Why Do We Seek Relationships?

This should be an easy question to answer - but given the wide array of statistics and evidence available, maybe the question should involve a level of seriousness that merits a study in itself!

For this moment, however, let's keep things simple and answer this question ourselves. Let me be the first to outline why I think we strive for connections. Here are my 5 reasons:  

 

1. Connection: The need to feel loved. The principal reason, indeed. And then there is the positive outcome from forming a strong bond with someone. A natural extension from this is the sense of closeness with your partner
2. Certainty: This really is a consequence of reason 1. It comes slowly and involves many things: the need to feel safe and secure in a relationship. 
3. Significance: This comes with time too. It can't be immediate. In time you will discover whether this connection makes you feel special, important, and valued by our partner. 
4. Development: The inherent desire we have for personal development can be nurtured and put to the test in a relationship.
5. Variety: As time moves on the challenge will be to keep things fresh. The need for novelty, surprise, and new stimulation to keep the relationship exciting is challenging but somewhat of a necessity. 

1. Connection: First steps...

At the heart of our desire for relationships lies one of the most fundamental human needs — to feel loved and understood. It’s more than a wish; it’s a deep, instinctual pull toward emotional bonding. Love, in all its forms, offers warmth, acceptance, and a sense of belonging that’s hard to replicate elsewhere.

When we connect with someone — whether in friendship or romance — we’re not just sharing space; we’re sharing lives, experiences, stories, and vulnerabilities. This connection can provide comfort during difficult times and amplify the joy during moments of triumph. It makes us feel seen, heard, and valued. Over time, this closeness becomes the cornerstone of intimacy, which helps relationships thrive in the long run.

2. Certainty: The Desire for Security and Stability

Following closely behind connection is the need for certainty — the emotional safety net that relationships can provide. Certainty doesn’t mean predictability in the boring sense. It means feeling anchored. It’s the quiet assurance that someone is there for you, that you have a partner in life who won’t disappear when things get rough.

In healthy relationships, this sense of security grows slowly, built on trust, shared experiences, and mutual respect. It's not always loud or obvious, but it manifests in subtle ways — in routines, in rituals, in the quiet knowledge that someone’s got your back. We seek relationships partly because we crave that safe haven, that consistent presence that helps us navigate life with greater confidence.

3. Significance: To Feel Important in Someone Else’s Life

Over time, a truly meaningful relationship makes us feel significant. This isn’t about ego — it’s about meaning. We all want to matter, and to matter to someone specific is especially powerful. A partner who listens to your worries, celebrates your wins, and notices the little things reminds you that your existence holds weight.

Significance is not something that appears overnight. It develops as both people begin to invest in each other. This is when you feel chosen - you're a priority in someone's life, and, most of all, you're appreciated. In this space, we find a sense of identity and value that resonates far beyond the relationship itself. Feeling significant to someone often strengthens our own self-worth.

4. Development: Relationships as a Mirror for Growth

When you are finally 'in' a relationship, you will start to discover new things. At first, they will be about you. You’ll begin to observe how you behave when someone else’s presence becomes part of your daily rhythm. For example, you might notice how patient (or impatient) you are when plans change unexpectedly, or how you respond when you're asked to share your space, your time, or your silence. You might realize that you need more alone time than you thought — or surprisingly, that you crave closeness more than you ever admitted.

You’ll notice how you handle vulnerability — do you open up easily, or do you keep parts of yourself guarded? Even small things, like how you argue or how you comfort someone, will reveal aspects of your character that only come to light in close emotional quarters. Being in a relationship often acts like a mirror — one that shows you both the beauty and the blind spots in your own personality.

A relationship, at its best, is not just a source of comfort — it’s also a catalyst for growth. Whether it’s learning how to communicate better, face your fears, manage conflict, or become more empathetic, being with another person inevitably challenges us. It exposes our flaws and invites us to evolve.

The journey of self-improvement doesn’t stop when you commit to someone; in fact, it often begins there. Growth in a relationship might mean learning how to love more deeply, let go of control, or build a life with someone whose dreams are as important as your own. We seek relationships not only to be accepted for who we are but also to become who we can be.

5. Variety: Keeping the Spark Alive

As time goes on, relationships face the test of routine. The same habits, conversations, and patterns can settle in, sometimes creating a sense of stagnation. That’s where variety comes in — the need to keep things fresh, surprising, and emotionally stimulating.

Variety can take many forms: trying something new together, introducing spontaneity into everyday life, or simply finding new ways to express affection. The challenge is real, but it’s also part of the fun. Relationships flourish when both partners remain curious about each other, even after years together. That ongoing sense of discovery — of learning, playing, and growing — can reignite the passion and joy that brought you together in the first place.

Conclusion

In the end, our need for relationships is not just emotional — it's deeply human. It is true we have a desire to feel seen and valued. We want to have the comfort of certainty. But that isn't all. There must be the added ingredient, maybe the stress, of variety or spontaneity to keep things alive within a relationship. 

We have come to understand how relationships shape who we are and how we grow. They're not just about finding someone to share a life with — they're about discovering the layers of ourselves we may never ever have found alone.

Whether you're in the middle of a meaningful connection or still searching for one, know this: your yearning to connect is not a weakness, but a strength. And that strength will drive you to love, to grow, and to live more fully. 

And that, perhaps, is the most beautiful reason of all.

One of the most powerful skills in any relationship is active listening. Here’s a quick look at where it came from — and why it has become such a big part of relationship counselling today

Active Listening

Active Listening' was introduced in 1957 by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson in their article titled "Active Listening". It was further popularized by Dr. Thomas Gordon of Gordon Training International. While it has been adopted by those dealing with relationships its use can extend far beyond that. 

The opposite of 'active listening' is 'passive listening' - something we only do when we are not interested in the topic or are too distracted to give  our full attention. It doesn't make for good relationships, to put it plainly. 

One could summarise the purpose of the technique in 5 short phrases: 

1. Improve communication by ensuring both parties feel heard and understood
2. Enhance understanding of the speaker's thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.
3. Build trust and rapport between individuals.
4. Increase empathy and compassion by enabling the listener to see situations from the speaker's point of view.
5. Reduce conflict and misunderstandings.
6. Deepen emotional connections and intimacy between partners.

Communication is at the heart of a successful relationship. Active listening is a form of communication that can help any relationship, but its practice takes time to learn, and true mastery comes when it feels natural.